I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband