I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.