COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March