Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
A roof is a house hat.