There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
You Might Also Like
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan