To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
scrabbled eggs
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.