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👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.