[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos