Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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