My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
my nickname in college
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]