Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
You Might Also Like
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.