Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.