bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Well, this is awkward
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year