The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”