Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Autocorrect is my menesis
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.