Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?