Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
seems fine
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
new wife guy just dropped
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT