Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these