Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
just witnessed a drug deal
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.