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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Meow
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it