The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke