When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
You Might Also Like
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Owl Sanctuary
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.