I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
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Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up