ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!