My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
You Might Also Like
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!