Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
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RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
bury ourselves
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
When someone says you are so lazy
This is my emotional support knife.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.