i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Same pineapple, same
Ha.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Rather alarming headline…
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.