If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
#DesignFail
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am