Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me too 😆
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers