So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.