“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.