oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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there has never been a better use of this meme
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.