Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
i think both sides are to blame here
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!