Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Autocarrot sucks!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.