Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
You Might Also Like
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.