Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.