Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
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do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!