My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing