This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
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ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display