I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.