Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.