I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?