Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside