my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
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