My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Ken is short for chicken
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body