I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
spot the difference
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
*limbos under the caution tape
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.