Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
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Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.