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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I cannot call her anything else now
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
some things should go without saying
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly