POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Oops
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”