DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
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If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Not my job 😂
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler